Blog (NSFW)

Paige’s Story

October 30, 2017


I have a really good story. It’s really long. This is my best story, my best party story. When I was thirteen years old, I had this girlfriend and — very young to have a girlfriend — she was like, “Truth or dare?” And I was like, “Hahah fuckin’ dare.” Dare, alright. She was like, “I dare you to sell a baby.” I’m like, “What? How am I gonna sell a baby? What are you talking about?” But, okay, I’m creative, I’m gonna do this, alright, whatever. 

I go on craigslist, right? I find these pictures of this one baby and I make this whole ad on craigslist. I make up this whole story, I’m like, “Alright, you know, I had this baby in this hospital and I ran away from the hospital. I couldn’t afford the bills. Free baby to a good home.” I wasn’t necessarily selling a baby, I was giving away a baby. 

So, I put this ad on craigslist and surprisingly, I got so many replies. So many replies of, A: people really fucking concerned that someone was giving away a baby on craigslist and, B: people who wanted to actually buy this baby. I was getting money offered to me. This is too much to me, and as — I wasn’t thirteen, I was actually fourteen. But at the time, this was fucking hilarious to me. I thought it was a riot. Anyways you know, it’s all said and done, I have these emails, I’m like, “Whatever, whatever, whatever.” So I go to bed. 

The next morning I wake up. I wake up and I hear, [three hard knocking sounds]. I look outside my window. There are six cop cars. There are six cop cars outside of my window. They knock on the door. At the time, I have a brother who is six months old. My parents aren’t home. My grandmother is home and she knocks on my door, “Paige, the cops are asking if someone’s trying to sell a baby at the house. Do you know anything about this?” I basically shit my pants at this point, it’s fucking terrifying. I walk out in my — I’m tiny. I walk out, I’m like, oh fuck, my god. I go up to the cop and I’m like, “Uh, I have a really morbid sense of humor.” And the cop looks at me and he goes — you know, he kind of bites his lips. You know that thing that people do when they’re trying not to laugh. “[between clenched teeth] It’s really, it’s really not funny, what you did.” 

Anyways, I was grounded for a really long time and I couldn’t use the internet for about eight months. Yeah, that’s the story, the end. I wasn’t arrested.